UNEXPECTED EXPEDITION

How to reconcile homosexuality and Christianity?? That was the burning question for me...for many years. While I was so much more at peace regarding my sexual orientation, that question continued to loom. I was getting to know God better; truly feeling His love in a way that I'd never experienced before. I was praying and studying everyday and really believing God for...something.

God had spoken to me. He said BE STILL. I didn't really know what that meant and it was frustrating at times. But one thing I did believe is that He wanted my attention. That meant I didn't need to be out searching for a mate...much to the bewilderment of some of my friends. I was back and looking pretty good with my newly-shaved dome, and they thought I should have been out there "getting mine". It was hard to explain. But I knew what God had spoken to me and I know me. I'm not the best multi-tasker. When I would meet someone that I liked, they got most of my attention. I believe that's true for most people. So, in order for me to truly seek God and get some clarity about what was going on in my life, I had to truly BE STILL.

During the stillness hours, that burning question just kept blaring! It was LOUD!! So, I went to the Internet and did a search on homosexuality and Christianity. I was led to a site and an article that was the springboard for this blog...over two years later, but I'm here. The name of the article was "Some Simple Facts About the Bible and Homosexuality". I was entranced from the first paragraph. The author, Rev. Bruce W. Lowe, broke it down! It was simple and to the point. I encourage you to check it out. http://www.christiangays.com/articles/lowe2.shtml

I had tried reconciling the two about 6 or 7 years prior, but I got nothing. It wasn't that the information was not out there, I just wasn't ready to receive back then. Also, I believe that I needed to know better God's love for me. So, it was no accident that I'd read The God's Honest Truth prior to my exploration into this subject.

Rev. Lowe's article expounded on the 6 scriptures that address homosexuality. These passages are typically referred to as "clobber passages." They have been used over the years by anti-gay Christians to condemn homosexuality without considering the entire context. Sadly, many Christians have gone the pick and choose route in using scriptures to justify their position or oppose someone else's on a wide range of subjects throughout the ages. From marriage to divorce. From women ministers to speaking in tongues. From slavery to homosexuality.

This article was the first of many readings for me over the period of about a year and a half. And I believe it was the one I was supposed to read first. Why? Because Rev. Bruce W. Lowe is STRAIGHT! Yes, STRAIGHT! You may ask why that was so significant for me. Well, for someone like me who had journeyed the roads from straight to gay to straight to gay, I needed to hear someone that didn't have what I'll call a stake in the game. I had already heard from the gay activists, the gay ministers, my friends, etc. Hearing from someone who was not gay, didn't have any gay children, or no gay agenda was just what I needed to start...or restart...my journey. I liken it to the white man or woman who marched alongside African Americans during the Civil Rights era. Everyone expects to see black people marching for their own cause. But to see someone whose skin color mirrored that of the long-time oppressor spoke volumes. It helped the oppressed to see that they were not alone and it gave many other compassionate whites the courage to stand up; if not on the outside, it stirred something on the inside.

After reading Rev. Lowe's article, I emailed him to thank him for blessing me and he promptly responded. I discovered that he was 93 years old and had a heart of gold. He had many encouraging words for me and he recommended some other reading that I'll share with you later. What a great start to an unexpected expedition!

Wherever you are on your journey, know how much God loves you. You ARE fearfully and wonderfully made by The Father. Psalm 139:14

Until next time, let the love of God liberate you!!

Re-Born Again!

I always thought that if, by some slim chance, I ever found my way back to living my life as a gay man that I'd be crying all over the place, falling out in shame before God. I had no real reference or precedent for anything like this, so I could only rely on my personality and how I related to God...in all things. To my utter surprise, I did not feel like I thought I would after falling in love with a man in the summer of '08. This, after believing God for a wife and children for nearly six years, was nowhere on my radar!

During this relationship I felt like I was in my twenties again. Only this time I wasn't hiding from God...as much. I didn't fall out with shame, but I still had that feeling of indulging in a guilty pleasure. But again, it wasn't like I imagined it would be. While the relationship only lasted a few months, it was a love experience like no other. Although the love was still alive and growing, we made the decision to end our relationship in order to seek God about the direction of our individual lives...we had become a distraction to one another. Any other time in my life, I would have just rolled with it. This time, I had to take the road NEVER travelled. Though sadly ending, this relationship would become the vehicle that would take me to the next level in my life.

Now in a place that was somewhat familiar, yet altogether foreign, I needed some guidance. Little did I know that I was about to start a journey that I never, ever had in mind for myself.

It began with getting to know God better. I started off this blog with my earliest encounters with and perceptions of God. Over the years, my views of and about God would grow and change. My mind wondered and questioned. My heart would race and panic. In a nutshell, I was afraid of Him. I understood what the Bible meant be "fear God". It meant to revere, to honor, to hold in the highest regards. On the outside that's what I lived. Inwardly? A whole other story.

Because I was living as a homosexual man, I embodied everything that went against honoring God with my life. I was just never at peace with living my life that way. However, I pressed on the best I knew how. This meant hiding from God. In church EVERY Sunday, working in music ministry, learning and teaching the Word of God, feeling His presence, and walking out of there still ducking...still dodging.

Then...finally...a change cometh! A friend of mine who worked for an airline found a book on an airplane. As he perused the pages, he said to God, "I need this book, God. I'm keeping this book, God." He was supposed to turn it in to lost and found, but it called his name and I'm so grateful that it did. The name of the book was The God's Honest Truth. He would read passages to me over the phone and my insides would leap. I decided that I needed to purchase this book. It completely changed my perception of and relationship with God. I could go into much detail about what I learned, but the bottom line is this: GOD LONGS FOR RELATIONSHIP.

Like with most any book, I did not suscribe to the author's every tenet. I got what I needed and allowed it to penetrate my heart, mind, and spirit. It was just what I needed to begin my journey. Because He's God and He's omniscient, God knew that I would need to know Him...His heart...in order to go where He wanted me to go. Even though I knew better, in my subconscience still lived the image of the old white man with a flowing beard, brandishing that lightening bolt, ready to strike me at any moment. That is SO NOT the God I know...the Father who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY!

After reading this book that forever changed me, I read a few others that further helped me to better know my Father. I became closer to God than ever before. I wasn't hiding anymore! I was truly beginning to embrace me for who I was. A major transformation was taking place and I was at peace. I had been born again...again!

In my next post, I'll begin sharing what led me to become a blogger. Until then, I'd like to encourage you to focus on your relationship with God. That's what He wants more than anything. Don't worry about church. Don't worry about your family and friends. Don't worry about making some huge transition. Just let Him have his proper place in your life. Concentrate on the vertical relationship with God and the horizontal relationships will work themselves out.

Until next time, let the love of God liberate you!

Where To Now??

Fast forward two years. That's two years of praying and wondering. What happened, God? I had created a gulf between my friend and I, and it seemed irreparable. My future, it seemed, was bleak. There were no other prospects for marriage and, frankly, I was just tired and I suffered through a brief depression. Felt like I was walking in a fog that didn't want to lift.

I managed to pull myself up and started really seeking God about my life. I wasn't talking to anyone about how I was feeling...just God. And finally, after nearly six years of believing God was going to grant me the blessings of a wife and children, I prayed a prayer that I had never prayed before:

"God, is this just who I am? Am I just supposed to live my life as a gay man???"

It was Spring '08 and I just kept praying. My sexual orientation wasn't the only thing I was praying about. I hated my job. My social life was non-existent. I was lonely. And I suffered from severe condemnation-itis. I'd always lived under condemnation. No matter how great or small my shortcomings, I beat myself to a pulp. It caused me to hide from God and to be afraid of Him. The Bible says we should fear God (revere Him), but I was afraid (scared) of Him. I knew I had to get this under control if I was going to experience real victory in my life. So, I began praying for God to help me in this area. I quoted Romans 8:1 daily: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

This exercise helped me tremendously. It wasn't an overnight process, but I made great strides over time. While I was working on the inner me, I continued to seek God about my sexuality. I don't recall that I prayed about it everyday, but it was definitely on my mind.

Spring gave way to Summer. I was feeling good about myself. Not only had I grown spiritually, but I had shrunk physically. I was now twenty-five pounds lighter!! I could feel something coming. The fog had lifted and the sun now shone brightly; casting rays of brilliance down a path that I had not anticipated.

That path led to LOVE. It had been over 10 years since I was in love. I knew it couldn't stay away forever, but it caught me by surprise. Not only had the summer of '08 brought love into my life, but it brought me the love of another man. Yes, I had fallen in love with a man!

I'll share more on my next post, but let me say this before I close--I didn't see it coming and I wasn't looking for it either. I've heard people say time and again: "Love finds you when you stop looking for it." Not sure if that's really true, but it sure can happen...it did for me and it would change my life forever.

I'm so thankful to God. When I had no direction and felt completely alone, He was there...my Compass and my Father. Even though I was back in a place where I thought He didn't want me to be, strangely, His peace was with me. I can't say that I didn't have questions or that I didn't feel guilty to some degree (the mind can be very hard to change), but there was a peace that I had never felt before. And soon to come was the grasping of just how much God really loved me...all along!

The REAL journey begins...next time!

Let the love of God liberate you!!

Deafening Silence of the Bells!!

Never be too sure about a sure thing. It took me about three months before I finally decided to approach this young lady with the news that I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Here goes...

Friday: It was a shoo-in! I had nothing to worry about. I knew that she was attracted to me and that all I had been waiting for was about to begin. Dinner is over and now it was dessert time and time to get the show on the road. Here goes...

NOTHING!

Well, not really nothing. I told her that I wanted to advance our relationship. She didn't believe me for almost ten minutes. She had this really broad smile, but I could tell she was in shock. She was at a loss for words. She asked me what if it didn't work. She didn't want to damage our friendship. I knew exactly where she was coming from as many a friendship have been damaged beyond repair when friends cross onto Lovers Lane. I told her I wasn't concerned about that because I had prayed about it and I knew everything was going to be fine. She wasn't telling me NO, but she wanted us to pray about it. I was cool with that answer but was so confident that she would be coming to me shortly with a YES.

Monday: I reach out and she curtly tells me that she's still praying. I felt odd vibes, but I left her alone. I contacted Maddy and he tells me that she had called him and it wasn't a good call. All the smiles and butterflies seemed to have dissipated. Her excitement had turned to suspicion. She asked Maddy where did this all come from. For three years, I never showed the slightest interest in her. When I heard this, I became concerned...as you can imagine.

Tuesday: Nothing.

Wednesday: Nothing.

Thursday: We make plans to meet for dinner and talk. I'm not getting the sense that she's excited. Actually, I didn't know what to think. However, I was optimistic.

Friday: Fresh haircut. Stop and pick up one long-stem red rose. Let's do this! I arrive at the restaurant and something didn't feel right...very melancholy. We chatted a few moments awkwardly before she broke into a round of Twenty Questions. Where did this come from? How long had I been feeling this way? Did God lead me this way? Why now and not then? I'm sure you can imagine how I must have felt...like 10 spotlights were shining on me and I was being hounded by the press about some shameful act I'd committed. I was in shock.

We went back and forth for about an hour. She told me that she believed that I probably considered her a "shoo-in" or that she was just convenient. I denied it. Honestly, I had convinced myself otherwise. She admitted to me, sounding a bit exasperated, that she had carried a torch for me for more than two years. She'd hinted, flirted, done just about everything to let me know she was interested. My reesponse: NOTHING. She observed how I never showed any romantic interest in her at all...EVER. She found it hard to believe that I could overnight be interested in her. I told her it was possible. She wasn't buying it. She explained to me how hard it was to be friends with a guy whom she was extremely attracted to. So, when she was certain that I wasn't interested, she began praying to God to remove the feelings she had for me. And He did. I was shocked. She told me that if she had to answer me right then, her answer would be no. She didn't want me to wait around. More shock!

The tension was too much to bear. We walked out of the restaurant. I went to the car to get the rose. I handed it to her, she cried, we embraced, she told me she loved me, and we parted ways.

You ever been upset with God?? I remember driving down the road and saying to God, "I thought You showed me this? Didn't You lead me this way??" I was felt like I was living someone else's life. There was no way that I spent all this time believing God had led me down this path and I got jilted at the dinner table! Every vision or image that I'd had regarding standing at the altar (in a year or so) watching my bride-to-be come down the aisle basically went up in flames. The bells had been silenced!!

I know you've heard the phrase too good to be true. Well how about too bad to be true? That's what I lived through for quite a while. However, as I've mentioned in previous posts, God knew the outcome before I even had a vision. My vision was ambitious and I believe God does want us to have HUGE vision. But, not every vision or plan of man has God's seal of approval. Sometimes God will allow us to proceed into areas that get us into trouble. Other times, He exercises His will over ours. Proverbs 19:21 reads, Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. I'll be sharing the aftermath of this event in my next post, but I must inform you that God's intervention is like none other. We may not understand it, but just know that it's BEST.

Until next time, let the love of God liberate you!

Anybody Hear Wedding Bells??

I did...kinda. I met a woman who seemed to be God-sent...almost. I say that because I had been praying that God would send me someone in their early 30's who wanted to have children and was not concerned about the proverbial biological clock. This woman was not in her early 30's. She was almost 40 and had expressed to me when she was around 37 that she thought it was too late for her to have children. Mind you, we were only friends at the time; actually, we had only known each other a few months. We became fast friends and spent lots of time together. I didn't think she was the one because she didn't see children in her future.

Over about a three year span we spent more and more time together. There are no sparks on my end, but sometimes I felt something coming from her. I dismissed it because, again, I didn't feel anything...NUTHIN. However, I kept believing God for what I thought was to be an inevitable awesome turn in my life that would lead me to the altar with that special woman. In the meantime, I'm hearing this and that from family and friends. "When are you two going to get married?" "What's up with you and that girl?" "Oh, she's cute. You guys are really cute together." "Man, y'all ain't gettin' no younger!" Here's the deal: We weren't even dating! But you know what?? I didn't ever tell anyone that we weren't. I let them believe what they wanted. There was something in me that wanted people to think that there was something between us. In the recesses of my mind (and heart) I knew that people were questioning my sexuality. Hadn't really appeared to have a girlfriend in over ten years. I'm talking about a situation where there was no doubt that I was dating a woman. I believe that many people who cared about me tried not to entertain the thought that I might have been gay. I think they tried to hold to a belief that there was hope for me. They wanted to believe that I just hadn't found the right woman. So, I believed with them and it was possible that my ship had come in. Then I could squelch any doubt that people had...even my own.

I don't know when it happened, but I started thinking about her more and more. Not like when someone is attracted to another. I was just thinking about how good a person she was and how we both seemed to be at the same place in our lives...two good people believing that God was going to send us both someone special. I cannot begin to tell you how I got to this next place...it's a bit fuzzy. But I started seeing us together as a couple. Mind you, I still have no romantic feelings for her at this point. (Just a reminder: I had been attracted to women before) As I mentioned in the previous post, she was a pretty girl with so much going for her...somebody that all my friends and family could see me with. Still, no sparks were flying.

I remember exactly where I was when I asked God if she was the one. I was driving and I even envisioned the neighborhood we'd live in. This went on for about a month and then I finally allowed the words to part my lips: I think she's the one. I told Maddy (I introduced them about 2 years prior) and we talked for hours. I told him how I had these visions of us being together. I explained that I didn't have any romantic feelings for her, but that I believed I could develop them. Hmmm. Ain't that somethin'?

I mentioned earlier that I asked God if this girl was the one. What I didn't mention was whether or not He gave me an answer. I'll end by encouraging you to always seek God before making any major decision in your life. Proverbs 19:21 says Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. We most often have good intentions when planning our lives, but as a minister I recently heard once said, "a good plan is not always a God plan." When you are a follower of Christ, you want to make him proud of your life choices. Therefore, it is so important to seek and WAIT for your answer before moving ahead. As you grow in God, you'll learn when to move and when to be still. Even if you make a mistake and move without His blessing, His grace will cover you.

Until next time, let God's Love Liberate you!!

The Shift III

One of the biggest shifts of my life was making the decision to no longer live as a homosexual man. I left off sharing my conversation with my gay parent, Maddy. I had not decided when I would tell the rest of my friends...no...family. I had spent the majority of my time with these guys. I had no real close straight friends that I hung with on the regular. Sure, I had some really good straight friends but they weren't integrated into my social life. I would soon learn that a person's social life cannot easily be altered.

It was decided by Maddy (without my knowledge) that I would tell everyone at our Christmas gathering at my place. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Sharing this with my family was like telling them that I was going away to another land. It was surreal. As I shared in the last post, this meant that I would have to somewhat distance myself. Like Maddy put it, it felt like a death. There were tears, hugs, and well wishes. There was even a word from one of my brothers that left me a little confused. He simply said, "If you don't make it, you can always come back home! I know you're gonna make it...but if you don't, come on back home." I knew what he meant and I appreciated the sentiment.

What ensued in the years afterward was nearly unbearable. Because I now had restrictions on my relationships with my family, a real distance between me and some of the guys set in. It was AWFUL! I would come to find out years later that no one really knew what to do. I totally got that, but it felt like we lost so much precious time. Thankfully, I had my friend that planted this seed that led me to that point in my life. We talked almost everyday forging this new friendship between kindred spirits. Two guys trying to do what we believed God wanted us to do. He wasn't so much interested in trying to find a wife and have kids, he just believed that God wasn't pleased with the homosexual lifestyle. Me? I wanted the wife, the kids, and the life that I envisioned as a youngster. And I believed God was going to make that happen for me.

I also shared this news with a friend of mine who was a lesbian. She and I had met through one of my brothers and we became fast friends. We eventually cut back our communicating on a regular basis until she called me up and told me we needed to meet. At that time, her news was like music to my ears. She had decided that she was no longer living as a lesbian. The news was good to me because it meant there was another person to fill those huge gaps of loneliness. She and I both wanted to be married and we believed that for each other.

I asked God to send me more straight friends so that I could integrate myself into the "straight world". That didn't happen, but I did meet some good people that are my friends to this day. There was one in particular that became a very dear friend. She was God-fearing, fun-living, talented, successful, and pretty. What more could a guy in my shoes want???

Check back in and the answer is yours!

I believe that most people, at some point in their lives, feels a tad lonely. In those times it's hard to know what to do or where to turn. Or, is it really? We don't always think of turning to God in our times of loneliness or distress. It's so much easier to seek out a human being that we can see, hear and touch. Or is it?? Actually, I've come to find that God is a much better choice. He's always there. The Bible says that God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in time of trouble. (Psalm 46:1) Ever-present. That means He's always there. Friends and family are not always there when you need them. Sometimes God orchestrates events and times them in such a manner that the only person you can call on is Him. He longs to hear from us. So call Him up!


As always, I encourage you to let the love of God liberate you!!

The Shift II

I remember the gentleman that planted the seed that changed my life saying: "This is a very lonely place." He was referring to no longer living his life as a homosexual. He had to extract himself from the lifestyle that was a big part of who he was. He couldn't go to the same places where he'd once had so much fun. He couldn't allow himself to read gay literature or view gay-themed cinema. Worst of all, he had to remove himself from the circle of friends that he had become to know as family. He didn't make a huge announcement to his many friends, he simply stopped showing up. As he shared this with me, the thought of changing my life so drastically was very daunting.

It was Saturday, December 14, 2002. The day of Maddy's birthday celebration. While I had been travailing with this issue for weeks, I don't recall what happened prior to this day. I just remember lying in my den on the sofa and surrendering to God and vowing to give up the homosexual lifestyle. It felt like I was going through what I imagined was some type withdrawal. I ached in the very pit of my stomach. Of all days, I had decided that I would make this declaration on the day of my gay parent's birthday celebration...where there'd be many, many, many handsome gentlemen. And of all nights, I made a connection with someone that was pretty much what I'd been looking for only to have to graciously bow out. Ain't that somethin'??

The next few days were filled with more decisions. How do I tell Maddy? How do I tell the rest of my friends who were now my brothers? I made a special trip to see my mother and I told her. Mind you, I had only come out to her two months before. Just like she was when I told her I was gay, she was just as supportive when I told her that I had decided to change my life's direction. On the way back, I stopped at Maddy's. One of the hardest conversations I ever had. I explained to him that I never felt comfortable in my homosexual skin. I explained to him that I felt like God wasn't pleased with me living this way and that while I understood his (Maddy's) resolve in being comfortable as a gay Christian, I just wasn't in that place. I shared with him that I believed God would bless me with a wife and children. I explained that I would have to withdraw from our little family (never from him). I could carry on individual relationships, but I could no longer attend family events. He understood and agreed with my decision. There was one thing he said that stood out--I'll never forget it. He told me that he believed that I would make it. I don't know if he felt that way because he knew that I had dated and been in love with women before, or if he saw something in me that I didn't realize I possessed. Whatever the case, it was very nice to hear and I'll always appreciate those words.

I'll share more on my next post. But I want to encourage you to seek God with all your heart and listen for His tender voice. (Jeremiah 33:3) Also, read His word...The Holy Bible. Not only will you discover who you are through Jesus Christ, but you'll learn to hear His voice as well as realize what your God-given purpose and destiny is. "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

Until next time, KNOW how much God loves you! His LOVE is very LIBERATING!