How Could I Have Known IV: Cheers!!

In my last post I shared a bit about my brief days on the track. Hamstring injury and I was outta there! While I wanted so to please my pops by at least being on the track team, I must say that I was quite relieved that I didn't have to run anymore. Shortly after my injury, I found that it wasn't as serious as I initially thought. Nonetheless, I was DONE with track. No worries, though, I had something else to cheer me.

Cheerleading!! Yep, that's right! I had already tried out for cheerleader for my senior year prior to the beginning of track season and was excited! My pops?? Not so much. We went back and forth for what seemed like an eternity before he finally agreed to sign the consent form--the night before tryouts. He signed under one condition: I had to pay for everything. No sweat, Pops!! Just like all the other times, he relented and gave up the moolah if I was in a tight.

I'm sure I prayed in some form or another right before I stepped out the door and onto the gym floor in front of 1200 high schoolers. Did I mention the tryouts were in front of the entire student body and that they held the fate of all the cheerleader hopefuls?? I only told one of the guys that I hung out with that I was trying out and told him not to mention it to anyone. He wasn't a jock like my other friends, but he was definitely "one of the guys". Well, he was never good at keeping a secret.

I really don't know what gave me the courage to try out. It wasn't uncommon to see guy cheerleaders in my high school, but it wasn't widely acceptable for a guy to go out for cheerleader either. Most of the guys that I knew who were cheerleaders before me were "questionable" if not gay. Seems that Black people scoffed at the idea more than other races. We'll touch on that issue later. While I didn't know what "gay" meant to the fullest, I was familiar with the terms fag, queer, and punk (the latter was the Black race's ugliest term for gay or queer). The term sissy seemed a bit obsolete by this time...more elementary and junior high. Whatever the terms for used to label a guy who was a little softer than the other guys and was trying out for cheerleader, I was concerned greatly about being labeled in such a way. But, I guess not enough to keep me from going for it anyway.

It's kinda funny when I think about it. When I first became friends with all these jocks and macho guys in the seventh grade (that's the grade when all the elementary schools' former sixth graders converged into one school for the first time), I seemed to fit right in. While I always felt slightly inferior to their blustering attitudes and masculinity, I had something else going for me. Light-skinned was IN!! Yes! I was the lightest of all the seventh grade fellas. Sure, there were other light-skinned guys, but none were bi-racial with "high-yellow" skin and big curly locks. I don't say this to brag, only to illustrate how African American people used to value certain physical traits over others. But that wasn't the only thing, I was intellectually superior to most of them. So, whatever lurking fear of being labeled less masculine or a little "soft", was smothered by things that I had going for myself.

From seventh grade to eleventh grade the relationships changed with many of the guys. I had become more popular with the White crowd but I managed to divide my time pretty well between the two races. While I didn't hang out with all the Brothers all the time, we were all still cool. So, I shouln't have been surprised when I stepped out that door onto the gym floor for tryouts, that just about every Brother that I knew from freshmen to seniors were sitting on the lower level of the gym in one section...cheering me on!! That was the first thing I saw when I ran out onto that floor. They were jumping up and down so that I thought they were going to come onto the floor with me! What a sense of validation I felt! These were guys who (some of them) would call a guy a punk in a heartbeat--they embodied Black masculinity and they were right there for me. What an awesome day that was! That moment quenched any other fears I may have had that day. I received top vote from the student body and gained a new confidence in myself.

During the entire time I was a cheerleader, no one ever "called me out of my name". Well, at least not to my face. I'm sure there were those who questioned my sexuality or whatever we did then. But again, never did I even hear of anyone saying anything negative about me. THANK GOD! Even if anyone did think of me as possibly being gay, I certainly wasn't thinking like that. There was another guy on the squad with me and we forged a great relationship, but neither of us were interested in boys...we wanted the girls! For real!

I heard a preacher preach a sermon entitled Life Has Its Reversals. There was a HUGE possiblity that I could have been mocked for my decision to try out for cheerleader. When I didn't even know about God's favor, He favored me! Nobody was talking about God's favor during that phase of my life...or else I wasn't listening. How could I have known?? No matter what your life has been like, I'm sure if you reflect on your past you'll find that God favored you and you didn't even realize it. So, reflect and THANK Him for His awesome favor. He caused you to triumph in situations where the odds looked stacked against you. 2 Corinthians 2:14 says God always causes us to triumph! Isaiah 30:18 states that God longs to be good to His children. Be encouraged as you journey through life and know that God loves you beyond measure!!

Let love liberate you!!!

How Could I Have Known III: Beyond the Churchyard

When I was a kid, I used to think that I would "get saved" when I became an adult...around twenty-one or so. For some reason I thought that I could get all my sinning done by that age and I'd get married and have kids and live a sin-free life. How far off the mark could a young boy be??? Talk about rose-colored glasses! There were adults all around me sinning up a storm and I had no idea. Honestly, I cannot tell you when I first became aware that the wrong behaviors that I witnessed and even participated in were considered sin. Maybe at some point during this journey it will come to me.

As I reached my late teens, the idea of getting married by twenty-one and having children shortly thereafter had flown out the window. I began to see beyond the churchyard--not very far, but far enough to let me know that there was more out there than church life and having a family. By this time in my life, I was consumed with trying to fit in somewhere. I had become aware of a few things that seemed to elude me in my earlier years. As loudly as they shouted sometimes, these issues I never paid much attention to. One was that I was about ten shades lighter than most everyone in my family. It never occurred to me that my hair was fine and curly and that I looked like no one else in the family. Why I was called "white boy" or "white patty" I just couldn't understand.

White patty, white patty, you don't shine
Call me a nigger and I'll whoop your behind!

That was a song that was actually sung to me a few times as a little boy. I just did not get it. Well, I would find out some years later that I was adopted, hence my "lighter" complexion. However, it would be some thirty years later that I would be told the story behind my adoption. It was just as I had suspected--a white woman and a black man in love in the 1960's. A forbidden relationship that produced a child "not white enough" for the mother to keep. Marriage? Absolutely out of the question! I truly thank God that I was adopted and not aborted. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Before I continue, I must say that this is probably the first time that I've ever shared any of this...with anyone. I believe it means I've made it to another plateau in my journey.

Another thing that I just couldn't understand was why I was not like the other boys. I loved my trucks and Hot Wheels! But if there was a girl around with a doll, the Hot Wheels were sent rolling into another room. I was "softer" than most other boys. I wasn't a rough and tumble kind of boy. Believe me, I tried my best to hang. But as I got older, I started hearing words like "sissy" and "punk". I knew what those words meant in their mildest forms. It meant that I wasn't tough. It meant I liked to play with girls more than I did boys and that I had some "girly" ways. What was that all about? I never could figure it out. My pops even called me sissy once. That hurt like you wouldn't believe. Wow...this is taking me back...I'll be strong! I ain't no sissy!

Being called "white patty" didn't hurt nearly as bad as being called a sissy. Even as a young boy, I inherently knew that it was not acceptable to be "soft". Football! Basketball! Baseball! Wrestling! Those were the activities I was "supposed" to like and be involved in. I HATED them all!! Well, in all actuality, I didn't hate baseball or basketball. I just wasn't very good at either. I can't say that I wanted to play hopscotch or jump rope, but I DID NOT want to play football. To this day, I don't even like to watch football on TV...and I'm okay with that. And, I'm no longer ashamed to say it to anyone!

Never having an affinity for the "masculine" sports, I did find one sport that I thought I could do that would keep me in the "boy's club" and that was track. We used to have street races on my block and I would win here and there. So, since I was never able to please my dad by playing football, baseball, or basketball, I thought I'd give track "a run". HATED IT!!! It was my junior year in high school and I was truly a novice as most of the guys had been running track since junior high. The workouts were grueling and long. I persevered though. My first meet I came in third place...despite being distracted by the fact that I was potentially flashing everyone nearby. I didn't wear a jockstrap that day but my regular underwear and found out exactly why it was necessary to wear them. I don't think my "buddy" "reared his head" but it was the joke of the season. That was cool, though. I was going to be a track star! Even though I didn't particularly care for it, I was destined to do great things in this field. Not so fast, Roadrunner! It was too good to be true. Before my second meet, I pulled my hamstring. It was a slight pull, but enough to sit me down. DAGNABBIT!! YEAH!! FOOEY!! HALLELUJUAH!!! Guess I had mixed emotions.

I did have something else to fall back on, though. RAH! RAH! SIS-BOOM! BAH!! You wouldn't believe it. Or, would you? Stay tuned!

Be encouraged on your journey and know that God loves you like you wouldn't believe!! However you feel about yourself or what you think others feel about you, just know that God has a plan for your life. This scripture I used in the last post, but I believe it's worth sharing again and memorizing: "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) Every situation--good, bad, or ugly--God will use for your good. (Romans 8:28)

Until next time, Let Love Liberate You!!

How Could I Have Known?? II

Back on track....

I left off reflecting on my God beginnings to I guess you could call the mid-point of my walk with Him. I started off believing that God was this Caucasian, grandfatherly figure with a flowing white beard that sat high in the heavens running the universe. I can't really recall hearing so much how good God was, but that He did love me. Although, there were times where I heard things like, "God is gonna get you!" and "Be good, 'cause God don't like ugly!" Somehow, the God I know now, I don't think my "elders" were acquainted with. So, my childhood was peppered with a couple of varying versions of God: The old white man brandishing a lightening bolt, ready to strike at any given time and the Redeemer who made an awesome sacrifice just for me and lived in my heart...didn't quite grasp that, but ok.

I must say that Biblical teaching is so very important. Whenever a child is old enough to learn, I believe CORRECT Biblical teaching is in order. Having been a member of a church where young people as young as three are being taught the Bible has really shone forth the contrast of my young life versus those in our churches today. I'm not saying that my generation (is that old-sounding??) is Biblically-ignorant and were not taught the Bible. I'm just speaking for myself. We didn't have a strong youth ministry in my home church and there was no Bible study taking place in my home. What I got, I got on Sunday mornings...with an occasional word or two from the "elders". Sure, I was taught to pray and even memorized a few scriptures...even if I didn't know the what they really meant. But I didn't get what our youth are getting today: Real lessons taught in a way that makes life application a bit easier.

Someway, somehow, despite my limited exposure to consistent Bible teaching, I managed to remain a pretty decent Christian. Didn't party in high school until my senior year...and not too often. Didn't drink or smoke. During that those years, I didn't have a lot of girlfriends, but was always "infatuated" some girl but never made the move until it was too late. That happened way too many times for one guy. However, by my senior year I had nabbed a college freshman! How about that?? I was THE MAN...for a while. That relationship only lasted a few months. I believe that was the beginning of what would become my life of short-lived relationships.

Where was God during these years? I guess like most teens, I prayed here and there and was reminded week-in and week-out at church that He existed. I did look forward to church every Sunday for some reason. Not necessarily to hear about God, but to hear the music (when my favorite organist was in town) and to see my friends. That's ok, right? Even then, while I didn't know it, there was something about my presence that always caught the attention of the adults. I didn't think anything of my being in church as my sisters and brother were there with me as well as other kids my age. But for some reason they thought I was a "special" child...so dedicated...so devoted...so committed. I didn't get it...and neither did my siblings and friends. Honestly, I cannot explain the difference between me and them but deep down inside I knew there was something that set me apart.

I believe God was doing something in me way back then. The scripture "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) was not a scripture that I heard very much...even in my adult life. However, it means so much to me now. I now know that God has a divine assignment for me and He began working on me along time ago. The same goes you you, my Friend. Just know that wherever you are on this journey we share that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) by God to do great things--great things that will bless others and ultimately bring glory to the Lover of Our Soul.

Until next time...Let Love Liberate You!!!

PRAYERS FOR ADAM, STEVE, ANGIE AND EVE

PRAYER BREAK!

I'm taking a brief detour from the "How Could I Have Known" series. Somehow, I believe these little PRAYER BREAKS will appear on this journey...they certainly are needed.

I type this sniffling and blinking back tears. I was looking for some music on YouTube and I ran across a series of videos regarding the young man in Bridgeport, Connecticut who endured a supposed exorcism sometime last year. My heart went out to the young man when I first saw reports of this. Dealing with my own issues about homosexuality at the time, I couldn't help but wonder all this time "was the boy delivered?" I had been meaning to, but I never did follow up to see if there were updates. Well, I've seen some updates and my heart aches deeply for this young man and so many like him.

Please take a look at the video update from YouTube below. I'm asking that you lift up in prayer this young man (Jeffrey) and the countless thousands out there who are in such deep pain and may be considering suicide. As some of you may have experienced, it's very difficult to acknowledge and reach a place of peace with yourself, let alone share what you're going through with family or friends. I believe many parents and ministry leaders are well-meaning in their attempts to help young people get "deliverance" from homosexuality. However, they don't realize how their words and behavior are adversely impacting these already suffering youth. I say youth, but there are many adults still dealing with the horrible pain that has affected us all at some point in our lives. As adults, you would think we should have acquired better life skills by now--not to mention have a closer walk with God--that gets us through the painful experiences that can be associated with sexual identity. However, that's not the case and my heart goes out to all from the youngest to the oldest.

To all of you who know someone who might be enduring this struggle or if you are a soul embattled, trying desperately to find your way to a place of peace I say BE ENCOURAGED!! There is HOPE!! The love of God through His Son, Jesus, is a balm that can heal wounded hearts, minds, and spirits. Whether it's you who suffers or someone you know, just know that someone is sending up prayers for peace and restoration! Know and believe that God is near and His perfect peace will keep your heart and mind at rest. Philippians 4:7

May God bless all the Jeffreys...Adams, Steves, Angies, and Eves!

Let Love Liberate You!!