I remember the gentleman that planted the seed that changed my life saying: "This is a very lonely place." He was referring to no longer living his life as a homosexual. He had to extract himself from the lifestyle that was a big part of who he was. He couldn't go to the same places where he'd once had so much fun. He couldn't allow himself to read gay literature or view gay-themed cinema. Worst of all, he had to remove himself from the circle of friends that he had become to know as family. He didn't make a huge announcement to his many friends, he simply stopped showing up. As he shared this with me, the thought of changing my life so drastically was very daunting.
It was Saturday, December 14, 2002. The day of Maddy's birthday celebration. While I had been travailing with this issue for weeks, I don't recall what happened prior to this day. I just remember lying in my den on the sofa and surrendering to God and vowing to give up the homosexual lifestyle. It felt like I was going through what I imagined was some type withdrawal. I ached in the very pit of my stomach. Of all days, I had decided that I would make this declaration on the day of my gay parent's birthday celebration...where there'd be many, many, many handsome gentlemen. And of all nights, I made a connection with someone that was pretty much what I'd been looking for only to have to graciously bow out. Ain't that somethin'??
The next few days were filled with more decisions. How do I tell Maddy? How do I tell the rest of my friends who were now my brothers? I made a special trip to see my mother and I told her. Mind you, I had only come out to her two months before. Just like she was when I told her I was gay, she was just as supportive when I told her that I had decided to change my life's direction. On the way back, I stopped at Maddy's. One of the hardest conversations I ever had. I explained to him that I never felt comfortable in my homosexual skin. I explained to him that I felt like God wasn't pleased with me living this way and that while I understood his (Maddy's) resolve in being comfortable as a gay Christian, I just wasn't in that place. I shared with him that I believed God would bless me with a wife and children. I explained that I would have to withdraw from our little family (never from him). I could carry on individual relationships, but I could no longer attend family events. He understood and agreed with my decision. There was one thing he said that stood out--I'll never forget it. He told me that he believed that I would make it. I don't know if he felt that way because he knew that I had dated and been in love with women before, or if he saw something in me that I didn't realize I possessed. Whatever the case, it was very nice to hear and I'll always appreciate those words.
I'll share more on my next post. But I want to encourage you to seek God with all your heart and listen for His tender voice. (Jeremiah 33:3) Also, read His word...The Holy Bible. Not only will you discover who you are through Jesus Christ, but you'll learn to hear His voice as well as realize what your God-given purpose and destiny is. "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)
Until next time, KNOW how much God loves you! His LOVE is very LIBERATING!
No comments:
Post a Comment