Re-Born Again!

I always thought that if, by some slim chance, I ever found my way back to living my life as a gay man that I'd be crying all over the place, falling out in shame before God. I had no real reference or precedent for anything like this, so I could only rely on my personality and how I related to God...in all things. To my utter surprise, I did not feel like I thought I would after falling in love with a man in the summer of '08. This, after believing God for a wife and children for nearly six years, was nowhere on my radar!

During this relationship I felt like I was in my twenties again. Only this time I wasn't hiding from God...as much. I didn't fall out with shame, but I still had that feeling of indulging in a guilty pleasure. But again, it wasn't like I imagined it would be. While the relationship only lasted a few months, it was a love experience like no other. Although the love was still alive and growing, we made the decision to end our relationship in order to seek God about the direction of our individual lives...we had become a distraction to one another. Any other time in my life, I would have just rolled with it. This time, I had to take the road NEVER travelled. Though sadly ending, this relationship would become the vehicle that would take me to the next level in my life.

Now in a place that was somewhat familiar, yet altogether foreign, I needed some guidance. Little did I know that I was about to start a journey that I never, ever had in mind for myself.

It began with getting to know God better. I started off this blog with my earliest encounters with and perceptions of God. Over the years, my views of and about God would grow and change. My mind wondered and questioned. My heart would race and panic. In a nutshell, I was afraid of Him. I understood what the Bible meant be "fear God". It meant to revere, to honor, to hold in the highest regards. On the outside that's what I lived. Inwardly? A whole other story.

Because I was living as a homosexual man, I embodied everything that went against honoring God with my life. I was just never at peace with living my life that way. However, I pressed on the best I knew how. This meant hiding from God. In church EVERY Sunday, working in music ministry, learning and teaching the Word of God, feeling His presence, and walking out of there still ducking...still dodging.

Then...finally...a change cometh! A friend of mine who worked for an airline found a book on an airplane. As he perused the pages, he said to God, "I need this book, God. I'm keeping this book, God." He was supposed to turn it in to lost and found, but it called his name and I'm so grateful that it did. The name of the book was The God's Honest Truth. He would read passages to me over the phone and my insides would leap. I decided that I needed to purchase this book. It completely changed my perception of and relationship with God. I could go into much detail about what I learned, but the bottom line is this: GOD LONGS FOR RELATIONSHIP.

Like with most any book, I did not suscribe to the author's every tenet. I got what I needed and allowed it to penetrate my heart, mind, and spirit. It was just what I needed to begin my journey. Because He's God and He's omniscient, God knew that I would need to know Him...His heart...in order to go where He wanted me to go. Even though I knew better, in my subconscience still lived the image of the old white man with a flowing beard, brandishing that lightening bolt, ready to strike me at any moment. That is SO NOT the God I know...the Father who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY!

After reading this book that forever changed me, I read a few others that further helped me to better know my Father. I became closer to God than ever before. I wasn't hiding anymore! I was truly beginning to embrace me for who I was. A major transformation was taking place and I was at peace. I had been born again...again!

In my next post, I'll begin sharing what led me to become a blogger. Until then, I'd like to encourage you to focus on your relationship with God. That's what He wants more than anything. Don't worry about church. Don't worry about your family and friends. Don't worry about making some huge transition. Just let Him have his proper place in your life. Concentrate on the vertical relationship with God and the horizontal relationships will work themselves out.

Until next time, let the love of God liberate you!