The Shift II

I remember the gentleman that planted the seed that changed my life saying: "This is a very lonely place." He was referring to no longer living his life as a homosexual. He had to extract himself from the lifestyle that was a big part of who he was. He couldn't go to the same places where he'd once had so much fun. He couldn't allow himself to read gay literature or view gay-themed cinema. Worst of all, he had to remove himself from the circle of friends that he had become to know as family. He didn't make a huge announcement to his many friends, he simply stopped showing up. As he shared this with me, the thought of changing my life so drastically was very daunting.

It was Saturday, December 14, 2002. The day of Maddy's birthday celebration. While I had been travailing with this issue for weeks, I don't recall what happened prior to this day. I just remember lying in my den on the sofa and surrendering to God and vowing to give up the homosexual lifestyle. It felt like I was going through what I imagined was some type withdrawal. I ached in the very pit of my stomach. Of all days, I had decided that I would make this declaration on the day of my gay parent's birthday celebration...where there'd be many, many, many handsome gentlemen. And of all nights, I made a connection with someone that was pretty much what I'd been looking for only to have to graciously bow out. Ain't that somethin'??

The next few days were filled with more decisions. How do I tell Maddy? How do I tell the rest of my friends who were now my brothers? I made a special trip to see my mother and I told her. Mind you, I had only come out to her two months before. Just like she was when I told her I was gay, she was just as supportive when I told her that I had decided to change my life's direction. On the way back, I stopped at Maddy's. One of the hardest conversations I ever had. I explained to him that I never felt comfortable in my homosexual skin. I explained to him that I felt like God wasn't pleased with me living this way and that while I understood his (Maddy's) resolve in being comfortable as a gay Christian, I just wasn't in that place. I shared with him that I believed God would bless me with a wife and children. I explained that I would have to withdraw from our little family (never from him). I could carry on individual relationships, but I could no longer attend family events. He understood and agreed with my decision. There was one thing he said that stood out--I'll never forget it. He told me that he believed that I would make it. I don't know if he felt that way because he knew that I had dated and been in love with women before, or if he saw something in me that I didn't realize I possessed. Whatever the case, it was very nice to hear and I'll always appreciate those words.

I'll share more on my next post. But I want to encourage you to seek God with all your heart and listen for His tender voice. (Jeremiah 33:3) Also, read His word...The Holy Bible. Not only will you discover who you are through Jesus Christ, but you'll learn to hear His voice as well as realize what your God-given purpose and destiny is. "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

Until next time, KNOW how much God loves you! His LOVE is very LIBERATING!

The Shift

After living about 12 years of my life as a homosexual man (taking almost a year off in the beginning to date and fall in love with a young lady), something major happened. A shift of sorts. A shift that caught me completely by surprise. While I was desperately looking for a change in my life, I never imagined that things were about to change so drastically.

It was 2002 and I was O-K. I wasn't extremely happy, nor was I super sad. Life was fine. I didn't love my job, but was making good money, lived in a nice place, had a nice car, and a wardrobe that only a Brand Snob could appreciate. I was accumulating a bunch of stuff. In retrospect, perhaps the stuff was supposed to fill the void of not being in a meaningful relationship and basically living what I'll refer to as a surface life. While I was on the road to conquering some of the issues from my childhood, I was still evading what was going on in my heart.

When I was younger I used to say that I wanted children and believed that it wasn't an impossible feat. I don't really know if it was that I thought I would "grow out" of the gay life??? I didn't put alot of thought into it; probably because I was having so much fun. As I approached my thirties, it seemed unlikely that I would ever have children and I pretty much pushed the idea out of my head. Even though I wasn't comfortable in my homosexual skin, it was what I had known for most of my adult life. I never could reconcile Christianity and homosexuality, so it was something that was constantly looming that I tried to avoid. Nonetheless, the older I got, the more and more I longed for love and a fulfilling relationship. The two seemed to avoid me like the plague. I even tried the "stop looking and it'll find you" method. It worked!

Or so I thought.

I was on a "date" with a gentleman and I thought, "It's been a minute and I'm excited about the potential!" Warm late summer evening. Nice restaurant. Good wine and food. Nervous energy...butterflies. Those all the perfect ingredients for a first date.

And last date.

Yes, last "date" as I knew it. It wasn't a date at all. It was the catalyst for the shift that was about to drive my life for about six years. SIX LONG YEARS. Turns out that this gentleman was no longer living as a homosexual man. While I must admit that I was very disappointed, I was able to keep myself composed and keep the boundaries in place. He shared his story with me and a seed was planted. A seed that I was not quite interested in watering. A seed that I tried to shield from the the sunlight. A seed that I almost wished I'd never encountered.

What followed was months of anguish and seeking...and hiding. Because I always struggled with living as a homosexual, it seemed that this seed finding me was inevitable. I was really growing as a Christian and it touched a place in me that I knew it would. Damn my "date"!!! That was all I needed to shake up my world! I don't remember much about how I sought God, because I was growing spiritually, I know that I did. I can't tell you how I prayed or what scriptures I read. But I can tell you that it was no surprise to Him. Psalm 139:13 says For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. The journey that would be my life for the next six years is still tinted with a bit of mystery, but God had His hand of love and protection on me.

I encourage you to seek God in whatever your phase of life. Jeremiah 33:3 says Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Just ask the Divine Planner. Even if you don't get it, trust Him and know that He loves you.

Until next time God's Love Liberate!!

Stay tuned for Part II of The Shift.

Loved to Tears

Today I heard a portion of a scripture that I've known pretty much my whole life. As a matter of fact, I believe it was the first scripture that I memorized as a child. John 3:16 was probably one of the first scriptures committed to memory by most church youth. I say all that to help you understand the gravity of what happened to me today. I was watching T.D. Jakes on television and he was sharing with his congregation the profundity of what God did when He sent Jesus as the Christ child. The fact that Jesus had to come as a newborn baby; that He had to learn and grow; that He had to experience human suffering. All this was part of a divine plan to restore the broken relationship between God and man. Sure, God have sent Jesus as a fully grown man to earth...He really could have done that, you know. However, in His divine wisdom, He knew that it would require more than that. Because God is not human, He needed Jesus to experience life from infancy to adulthood so that God could relate to our feelings...from joy to sadness...and everything in between.

During his mesmerizing delivery of this message, he recited a portion of John 3:16: "For God so loved the world..." If you don't know that scripture in full, here is the rest of it along with 17 and 18:

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.

Bishop Jakes didn't recite these three verses. He didn't even say all of verse 16. All he said was, "For God so loved the world..." I burst into tears!!! I could not stop them from flowing. I was so overwhelmed at this act of love. This love that would liberate us from our lives as captives to legalism and spiritual poverty. God loves me to tears!!!!

I asked God to send me a refreshing revelation of His love for me. He did that two years ago without my requesting such and it changed my life. I have longed for that feeling in recent months, so I asked for it. He did just that. Isn't that a GREAT GOD??? Whenever you ask God for something, believe like a child and you will receive. (Matthew 21:22)

Just consider how much God loves you. Let Him love you to tears!

Be Liberated!

"The Life"

Picking up where I left off regarding my introduction to "the life"....

I'll spare you most of the details of 12 years of relationships, clubbing, fun times, clubbing, sad times, and clubbing. Did I mention clubbing?? At one point (actually for several years) my friends and I were out five nights a week at some club. Our days off were Wednesday (choir night) and Thursday (until a new club opened). Those were some fun times. We were all young and had not yet started making good money, so we saved our "coins" to get into the club and buy a couple of drinks. We learned that if we had a couple drinks at home and maybe stow something in the car, we wouldn't have to spend that much in the club. Those were the days...or nights.

I must tell you that when I first entered a gay club after coming out of the closet, it was beyond thrilling. I felt fear. I felt excitement. I felt almost undercover. It was like I was living some sort of clandestine experience. At the same time, I felt free to be me...a new me. However, that would change as the years rolled by.

I was told by my "gay parent" (whom we'll refer to as Maddy...that's Mama & Daddy in one) that I needed to be really careful. I remember him telling me: "You are new to this scene and you're going to be the 'belle of the ball'. Don't let it go to your head!" He explained to me that so many people succumb to being in the limelight and eventually find themselves in a bad place. They love the attention and if they don't know how to channel that attention, they become addicted to it and eventually lead a dangerous life of promiscuity and loneliness. While I don't believe I would have allowed myself to fall into that trap, I'm so extremely thankful for Maddy. He was the mother and father that I needed at that time in my life and continues in that role today.

When I reflect on my relationship with God during that time, I must admit that things are a bit blurry. I was in church sitting on the organ bench every Sunday...usually hungover. Thankfully, we had a very good choir and exciting church services. Otherwise, I probably would have been slumped over at some point during the service. What does any of this say about my relationship with God?? Not much, I'm afraid.

I believe it would be fair to say that I was extremely distracted by my new life. I prayed...not every day...but I prayed. I read my Bible...not every day...but I read it. I would have to say that my early to mid-twenties was like that of most Christians: We loved God the best we knew how. Most of us had our guilt spells, but then we'd forget about the guilt when engaged in our favorite activities. I wouldn't say that I thought it was okay to go out and get drunk four to five nights a week. Nor did I believe that it was okay for me to be involved in a homosexual relationship. However, for whatever reason, I was so caught up in my new life that I didn't wallow in guilt...at first.

As the years rolled by, the distractions of the new life got old. Thank God that was only a season in my life. There are people in their forties and fifties still "distracted". I'm so thankful that my relationship with Jesus was starting to grow to a new level. While it grew to a place that He wasn't leading me--condemnation--it started to change the way I looked at my life...new and old. I became more and more aware that I was living somwhat foolishly and without true spiritual depth. I'll share more about the condemnation later, as it became a sad way of life for me for many years.

I do not regret the years of fun that I had. In retrospect, would I have done some things differently? Yes. I wouldn't have gone out as much and been so care-free with my spending. I wouldn't have allowed "the life" to be the obsession that it was. Although, looking back I do realize that I wasn't as bad as I could have been. Being under the watchful eye of Maddy and under the protective wings of The Almighty, I veered away from so many of the dangers that lurked in the night. I'm so thankful that even when I didn't know the 91st Psalm, God was protecting me. Preserving me for this time in my life.

Whatever phase or stage of life you're in, I'd like to inform you that God is with you. You may not feel like...EVER. But He is. I'll leave you with a passage of scripture that has been a wonderful comfort to me in recent years...Psalms 91.

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,my God, in whom I trust.” 3 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

I pray that you will find comfort, as have I, in this passage.

Until next time, Let the Love of God Liberate You!!

I CANNOT GO ON...

Terrell Williams


I imagine these were the words of young Terrell Williams, a 17 year-old who took his life on October 13 in Lakewood, WA. Another victim of gay bullying, Terrell ended his life after being attacked by five guys from his high school. The recent wave of such incidents has truly saddened as well as incited me.

Today, I saw that Portia De Rossi, actress and wife of Ellen Degeneres, was going to be on Oprah discussing her book and her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. So, I decided to record the show. I was not aware (or don't really recall) that Portia battled these disorders and was very engrossed in her story when Oprah asked her where did her sexual identity fit into all of this. As you can imagine, like with most people, her being gay was a pretty big deal most of her life. One of the things she said that really struck me was, "Hiding your sexuality is a horrible way to live and is a huge disservice to society. If everybody who was gay in all professions came out, it would have a huge impact on what's happening right now with teenage suicides."(paraphrased)

I believe she is right on! An author of a book that I read this past year said to me that if gay people came out to their families, it would greatly affect how society views homosexuality. I belive he is right on as well. People need to understand that it is more than about who same gender-loving people sleep with. It's about something deeper...way down on the inside of the person. When a mother or even a father of a gay son is able to associate that boy's face and HEART with what they may have deemed as an abomination or unnatural, they have to see that it's not a choice; he didn't just decide at 7 or 12 or 17 or 23 or 41 that he wants to sleep with men. They must see what a struggle that boy may already be enduring or will endure for much of his life. They must HEAR the HEART of their son. They must look beyond their preconceived notions, their disdain for what they consider a lifestyle and LOVE their little boy...no matter how old he is.

It is so important that gay people educate their families and not have a take me as I am or leave me attitude. It is very key to allow family members to see the heart and understand that it's not all about sex. If gay people would start with their families, perhaps many of those family members will start taking a stand when they hear anit-gay smears and start to educate others. It's reminiscent of a time when some white Americans courageously stood beside black Americans for equal rights when it wasn't popular to do so. When men rallied with women for the right to promotion in Corporate America or to speak in the church even.

I believe communication is one of the major keys to peace. Peace in the communities, schools, churches, and moreover, peace in the HEARTS and MINDS of young gay people. Peace in knowing that they are OK. That is one key. However, the greatest key is GOD. We've got to allow God back into our country, our schools, and even our churches. Yes, I said our churches! Our churches have become religious corporations filled with cold-hearted people who are not being taught about the TRUE and LIVING GOD! For now...just for now...I'm going to go with this: If churches would stop condemning homosexuals, receive them and love them, it would be a great start. Teach LOVE. Many "church folk" say that God hates the sin but loves the sinner. Well, where's the love?? I think this would be a good starting point...LOVE ALL!

Mind you, I did say that I'm going with this stance for now. I will follow up with what's really in my heart. But until then, I say to all whose eyes will see this: SEEK GOD! If the words "I cannot go on" have crossed your mind or even parted your lips, please turn to God. You may not have a relationship with God or you may feel distant from Him. Please know that He is ALWAYS NEAR! God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1-3) You may not know what lies before you, but you can live a peaceful life in God. Again, SEEK GOD!

Perhaps you are at peace with God regarding your sexual orientation. Do you realize that you play a big part in the larger picture? You may not know (or think you know) anyone who "cannot go on". I read that everyone on Earth is separated by only six (6) people. Six degrees of separation. Kinda hard to believe, huh? Well, whatever the case, there may be someone closer than you think who wants to end their life. Does that not warrant our prayers?? Yes, it does! Please pray that peace will reign in the hearts of those who "cannot go on" and that they will surrender to God and let Him love on them.

I ask that you join me in prayer everyday this week. It doesn't matter what time...morning...afternoon...evening...all day. Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17) Like Nike says, JUST DO IT! Let's believe God for a powerful movement and show the world that we are NOT the red-headed stepchildren!!

Until next time, LOVE and let LOVE LIBERATE!!

VROOM! VROOM! SHIFT...VROOOOM!!!

His name was...

Did you really think I was going to tell you his name? Sorry, no-can-do. The fact that I went from "her" to "him" was a big deal, okay? It was surreal. It was scary. It was happening.

I had broken it off with my girlfriend and transitioned immediately into the "gay life". I had already befriended someone that I thought might have been gay and had started hanging out with him on a regular basis. Even so, I still hadn't considered that I might be gay. I even attended a couple of "gay functions" and still hadn't considered it. It was all very interesting and I would soon find out how much more interesting it could be.

That time in my life seemed to be all "smushed" together. Everything was happening so doggone fast!! First corporate job. First apartment. First "city" girlfriend. And yes, first boyfriend...ever!! I remember it as if it were yesterday. In retrospect, I believe that I was set up. I had been hoodwinked! Bamboozled!! Led astray!!! Or had I?

I was invited to play the organ in a friend's musical concert. This friend we'll refer to as the Matchmaker. One of the other guests happened to be a strikingly handsome musician/singer. I can see him now...looking at me with those piercing, dark eyes. It was like he was looking into my soul...NOT! He was looking very hard, but knowing what I know now, he wasn't looking into my soul. Early 20's?? Uh, we weren't that deep at that age. Whatever the case, I was uncomfortable, yet very flattered. It wasn't the first time that I had been looked at in that manner. However, it was the first time that I actually felt something stirring on the inside.

Prior to this time in my life, I could never really admit that another guy was attractive. In my mind, whatever it was that I felt, I thought it was envy. I thought that I only envied a handsome guy because I wanted to look like him. I remember feeling this way when I was a kid. When I used to visit my grandmother in South Carolina, there was a neighbor guy that was a few years older than me and my cousins, but he allowed us to hang with him. He always wore a baseball cap, chewed bubble gum, and wore an earring in his left ear. I REALLY ENVIED HIM!!! I can see him now! OH HOW I ENVIED HIM!!! Even at what, nine or ten years old? I didn't say in my head, "He's cute." Now, I didn't say, "I envy him because he's so handsome" either. Somehow, even at that age, I knew that I wasn't supposed to see him as a cute guy. So, I envied him. There were some characters on television that I envied as well. I don't know their names, but they appeared as guest stars on shows like Good Times or any of the 70's - 80's cop shows. Very handsome men that I wanted to look like. Yeah, that's it.

So, I'm envying this guy who is staring at me. After our rehearsal, he tells me that he's interested in voice lessons and wanted to know if I could help him. I told him that I did not give lessons, but I did know someone who did. TRUE STORY!! He wrote down his number for me to "forward to the voice teacher". Cool. No harm done. Oh...you want my number as well?? Just in case you need to follow up? Sure, no problem. So I gave it to him. As I'm writing my number down, I can hear Matchmaker and the other guest musician giggling and making sounds in the background. I'm sure you can imagine what I mean. Of course, I'm getting it but I'm trying so hard to play it off. As far as I was concerned, this was all very innocent. Matchmaker knew I was straight. But what I didn't know was that Matchmaker knew more about me than I knew. He somehow knew that gears were about to be shifted...I mean REALLY shifted!!

Where was God during this time? Right there. He was right there with me. I really had no clue as to what was about to happen, so I hadn't consulted God. Did I consult God about getting into a relationship with my girlfriend? Of course not! That was expected. Man and Woman. The way God intended. Right? While I didn't know everything that the Bible had to say about homosexuality, I knew that my daddy, my cousins, my uncles, my friends, the television all said, "gay is bad...it's wrong."

While I didn't know what was on the other side of that door, I now know that God was with me. I also know that the enemy was lurking as well. "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, roams about seeking whom he may devour." 1 Peter 5:8 I had no idea that I was about to enter into the biggest trap of my life. I don't mean that homosexuality was the trap. I mean the life of condemnation. At 23 years of age, what I'll refer to as the grip seized my mind and had me in utter torment for almost twenty-that's 2-o-years!

My prayer for people like me...people who envy those of their same sex...is that you realize that God is ALWAYS with you. Matthew 28:8 Please, please, please KNOW this! It is so important to have a close relationship with God...as early in your life as possible. This is necessary so that you can dialogue in the spirit with God about the issues and quandaries you will face. While pastors, preachers, evangelists, and the average church-goer may read what Leviticus says about homosexuality (we'll cover soon), the majority of them are reading strictly out of context and do not know what they are talking about. And so goes the little boy or girl in church who hears this information and feel there's no hope for them.

THERE IS HOPE!

Be encouraged until next time...let Love liberate You!!!

MAJOR CHANGES...THANKS TO GOD!!!

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post...had quite a bit going on. I've decided that I will fast forward a few years. Here goes...everything!

Moved to Dallas. Partied...ALOT! Still maintained a relationship with God and the church. He was always there, looking out for me, even when I wasn't looking out for myself. THANK YOU GOD!! He knew what the future held when I could barely see what was happening in the present. While I was playing with God, He was merciful. If you've never heard the phrase playing with God, it simply means that I was living a double life--out partying my butt off and in church EVERY Sunday pretending to love and serve God. Was it really pretending? I don't believe so. I gave everything I had and I was sincere in my giving. Hard to explain, but maybe it will come out later.

Now, I'm partying and spending money (that I didn't really have) like crazy! Still trying to "find" my place. Hating my first job in Corporate America but managing to make it work as best I knew how--with the limited skills I possessed. Making friends--mostly acquaintences--and carving out a future for myself. No girlfriend, just girls that were friends. There were no women on my job that I found attractive. Although, there were a few that seemed interested in me. But again, they weren't for me. No biggie. I had plenty of time for dating. It would come at the right time. Until then, I would PARTY ON!!

God intervened.

Oddly, at 23, I was able to recognize Divine Intervention. I didn't call it such then, but I knew that the change taking place in my life was orchestrated by God. I was spending about $100 every weekend partying. At one point, spending $50-$75 every weekend on "party favors." When I look back at those years, I'm amazed that I even got caught up in that world. I know alot of others who would be just as shocked. Again, THANK GOD for His mercy and grace!

It was like overnight that my life changed. The people that I was hanging out with were all suddenly whisked away to other parts of the country, leaving me with no one that I trusted to share in my "devilment". Again, THANK GOD!

A whole new world opened up for me and with it came a girl. A relationship formed overnight and it seemed to have ended just as quickly. It was exciting the first couple of months, but it soon became boring. Probably wouldn't have been so bad had she not fallen in love with me and felt the need to be in my presence EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY! I was 23! So, like most guys, I started pulling away. Pulled so hard that I landed in a place that I wasn't prepared for. A place with someone that I wasn't looking for.

His name was...

I'll leave you wondering for now. Wondering if I should credit God and be thankful to Him for this major change. But until my next post, I encourage you to be THANKFUL. As I mentioned above, God was always at work...even when I didn't realize it. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Be joyful always; pray continually; GIVE THANKS in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Even if you're not at a place where you live a lifestyle of prayer and thanksgiving, it's easy to say THANK YOU GOD just for life itself. Once you start thanking Him for the small things, it'll be a piece of cake to thank Him for the big things. Most people bypass being thankful for the small things in life. If you start with the small things, I guarantee you that you'll make strides in your spiritual journey like you wouldn't believe. After all, it's all about the love He has for you and the love He'd like to receive back.

Until next time...Let Love Liberate You!!